There is a Mother wound that runs deep, I have been able to look very differently at this since doing the inner work. And let me tell you there is nothing more important than this work.
The Christmas I won the money, I told a lie to my Mother it wasn’t the first, although I don’t lie to her anymore and I had reason, I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But I had lied to her about Christmas before. One year I told her I was going to Barcelona, I got stupid drunk with my flatmate and watched about 3 seasons of Desperate Housewives. I worked really hard at the time, a full time job plus my side hustle business which eventually went full time as Spray Tan technician. That year I simply made a choice I wasn’t going to entertain her, I didn’t want my Christmas’s ruined by her anymore.
I have since then spent Christmas with her with much regret. Last year was disastrous with all of us being really sick and my Mother leaving saying “Well I don’t want to be sick.” Hahaha. She has promised never to return. I will be honest, the idea of spending Christmas with my mum gives me the creeps. It sends my nervous system into overdrive. I instantly freeze, I am overcompensating, over pleasing, trying to get everything right because I want to please her and not make her upset.
Everything must have order or control and rarely is she willing to have it any other way than her way. She is highly anxious, chronic depressed and on edge most of the time. Years of chronic stress have taken it’s toll on her health. There’s a number of reasons why she is the way she is, I wish I knew more about her childhood but she doesn’t talk about it. Where as I made a conscious decision not lie to my children about anything, because I want to build trust with them. I have learnt much about conscious parenting by doing the complete opposite. When asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say “ I don’t know but I am not going to be my mother!”
From a young age, I knew there was deep pain hidden inside her. Children have an amazing ability to pick up on the things you don’t say. I actually was born with more Empath abilities, I never knew how to articulate what I was feeling because I was non verbal for the first 5 years of my life, because my mother never communicated to me. I would of probably been labelled autistic today. I don’t feel anger towards my mother, I understand she was unable to love and care for me. I understand she did the best she could with the knowledge she had. If she could of done better, she would of. I don’t resent her choices, I don’t live with any regrets.
In fact I know that everything I have encountered, every bit of pain I have experienced has taken me closer to my purpose. I have experienced life on so many different levels. My experiences have allowed me to grow and develop, especially resilience. There were things I never thought possible, but have been made possible through belief. I had to step away from the fantasy that I would have this relationship with my Mother, although I do still have faith. Never say never a statement that holds much value in my life.
Now I just Mother myself, I Mother my children the best way I can and I stay connected to Mother Earth and that keeps me grounded.If we are looking at the Root Chakra we are looking at our family and having at least one parent that supports you is important. I knew that disclosing my HIV diagnosis would worry my Mother and I was probably a bit afraid of judgment because she is really good at that. So I didn’t share although I wanted to, I knew she wouldn’t understand my need to go about healing the body.
There are many people who don’t believe the body has the ability to heal including many medical professionals. My Mother is the kind of woman who wouldn’t dare not read/watch the news. I was raised in an environment where I was exposed to everything that was wrong in the world, so from a young age I was fearful of life. The world was a scary place and this caused me anxiety from young. She worries about anything and everything, her nerves are so bad she jumps at the slightest noise and this is also a reason not to be around her. You just can’t exist without upsetting or offending her.
I have over the years tried my hardest to make it work but acceptance is needed, I have accepted this is who she is although it’s not her calling, her purpose, I am sure she has incredible gifts that she could share with the world. Unfortunately he has been difficult for her to accept me, it seemed I can only make her happy if I look, talk, act a certain way. I gave up trying to please her a long time ago. I definitely don’t need any approval and generally I feel like shit when I am around her. So it’s I am going to love you from over here kinda relationship. The absence of a Father is tough but he was never around at all so you can’t miss something you never had, of course you look at your children and you can’t imagine not being there for them. I will never understand this kind of toxic masculinity but I suffered both my Mother was absent and toxic as fuck! I practically raised myself, so tell me what did I really know about love? I searched high, I searched low. I looked for it everywhere. I heard it but never felt it. I search for it everyday and it’s so present in my life with my children, how can it not be? They just love, they are so good at that. Most of my relationships were based co dependency.
I needed to be seen, validated, affirmed, held, told over and over. I definitely destroyed many relationships because of the lack of love I had for myself. I lost myself in love, I over compensated, I gave and gave in hope that I would be finally accepted. I gave it all until there was never left of me. This was made obvious in my last relationship, I sat there and said to myself but I gave him everything I had and I would of given more if I had it.
How could my love not be enough?
And then as if God switched a light on
“But did you give the love to yourself first?”
I honestly didn’t. It’s just important to see that how all our relationships are affected if we don’t have that solid foundation that is built through our relationship with our parents. If you have ever heard of the term “Fill your own cup first. Then this is where I had been going really wrong in this relationship. Because they was a high need to please and make sure he was happy, rarely did I look at myself and say
“Does this make me happy?
I definitely know that my love tank was empty, in the relationship with my Mother because she didn’t know that I needed affirmations to receive love. But in this relationship I was clear about how I wanted to be loved but yet it was a difficult because he only wanted to love me in his love language and I don’t even know if he loved me at all.
Did my Mother love herself?
No. I can honestly say no. I think she has come along with her own healing journey. I think having a child really young without any real support is hard. And how many of us Mothers are perfect? I like to think now we have a better relationship then ever and believe we can have a wonderful life together. I know she would love that and I believe that what she has suffered must of been really bad for her to hide it. I stand in no place of judgment. I can only wish her well. I think it’s really easy to blame and shame our Mothers, but I have learnt through compassion and forgiveness that she too has had trouble in her childhood and that she tried her best with what she knew at the time. So mercy, mercy on my Mother. I didn’t have it easy, but do any of us really?
I probably wouldn’t be fulfilling my purpose if I had not experienced my Mother being who she was and is. My life’s work committed to helping many of us healing these wounds and stepping into fearless freedom.I have since coming into some truths about who I am and by that I mean understanding I am a powerful creator and that I can literally create a life I will love. Trying to convince my Mother that this could be her truth was a challenge. We call it “waking” people up in the spiritual community.
Although the intention is to do good, I believe people eventually find themselves without the need for us to force our beliefs down people’s throats. Also we are not responsible for anyone’s healing even our Mothers but through my own journey into Motherhood I have found healing and it has been powerful. She birthed me for better or worse, she is mine.We will dance this dance to the end of our time
I love you Mum
Wherever you are at these steps may help you begin to release the guilt, shame or pain that comes with having a mother wound, so you can start to heal.
Step One: Admit the Truth
Your experience is real and that your disappointment is valid.No denying the pain you feel from not having that “perfect” Mother. Acceptance is necessary in the face of healing, you know your truth and it’s ok whatever you feel. Don’t make yourself wrong.
Step Two: What is a Perfect Mother?
The self sacrificing Mother has been played out in many cultures around the globe. This “Perfect “ mother is only ever living for her children. It definitely isn’t a concept I consider to be real. Nothing I have experienced in my own Motherhood journey, nothing I see firsthand in my communities. To move towards healing, you might have to let go of that perfection standard, and accept the humanness, the messiness of your mother and motherhood in general.
I’m not saying that this makes it all okay, especially if you had a narcissistic or abusive parent. If you can move into accepting your mother’s human messiness and into the reality that mothers are just people, and we’re all flawed to one degree or another, this can help you release some of the pain you may still be carrying.
Step Three: There is no such thing as a Perfect Mother
I wish my Mother was like......
What kind of mother did you wish you had?I was always really jealous of the relationship my good friend had with her Mother. It definitely wasn’t perfect but I saw things in that relationship that I wish existed in my reality.
Did you ever have a friend who had a Mum who was kind and loving and you wished she were yours?I can tell you all the things I wish we could do, and I can tell you exactly how I want her to be.There are so many aspects of having an unloving or difficult mother that profoundly impact us as children, and that child within keeps hoping for the desired outcome. It is in your best interest now to give up the fantasy that your mother will change. Acceptance is truly healing. What was and what is, although I believe we can have many magical moments together. I just don’t fantasise about them anymore.
I think as good practice ( I am all for practicing)You can perform rituals to help you move past the pain into power.I believe in action, focused intention , this has the power to shift energy and this is what it’s about. I want you to feel free from the past. There is NOW which is powerful and then ( aka the past) which isn’t so powerful, it could be full of fear, guilt, shame, resent and trust me it’s haunting.
I want to encourage you to think about what you can do in the present to release the guilt and shame that often accompanies the mother wound.
Step Four: Evolve or Repeat
I deeply internalised the thought that I was unlovable. Because I suffered from childhood development trauma, deep in my unconscious mind I didn’t feel worthy of love.
What I have repeated throughout my life was unhealthy relationships whether it be friendships/romantic relationships. I would be drawn to or attract people who were similar to my Mother. This is repeating a reality I know, the subconscious sounds familiar. I wasn’t consciously aware I was doing it, it’s a very common thing amongst those who seek maternal love or approval. We didn’t get it as a child so we look high and low for it.
In order to grow, we look at awareness of ourselves and whats causes us to repeat these realities. It wasn’t until I got HIV and I saw the Root Cause of the disease I understood why I was in situations that were similar.
Step Five: Self Love is key
I had to become my own Mother. I listened attentively to my needs. I could easily feel judged by my Mother. Her lack of Empathy towards certain situations. I could always here her saying “Well it’s all your fault “
Which it was , it is. I know now to always take responsibility for my life. I teach the same to my son, because everyone always has a sense of entitlement. I guess I just wanted to hear that it was ok and that I am learning. Maybe that’s what you need to hear and that you can change.
You have the power to change, just starting loving where you are, who you are and grow from there. If you find that harsh inner critic repeating often, find compassion, Isn’t it time to evict that voice from your head? Becoming a good mother to yourself means treating yourself with the same compassion that you would a child that you adore. I found this to be necessary because I have children now. I refuse to have dysfunction in my family unit. Because I fully understand what happened in my childhood I often feel the need to protect my children.
Step Six: Lean on sisterhood
Throughout the years as I have confided in people about my Mother and shared details of my upbringing. Being brave enough to share my story, I had eventually found kind and nurturing beings who supported and encouraged me. They supported me emotionally and believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.
I encourage anyone who is dealing with this wound to follow people who encourage and build you up. I share very private parts of my life, and sometimes we feel shame around the way we were raised. I see you, there’s is nothing wrong with you and you did not deserve to be unloved or rejected.
Right now. As you are in this moment is enough.
Recently I had a rather heated discussion with my Mother, in fact she was being a bit rude about my appearance. Saying I let myself go because I recently had a baby. She has a perfect image of me and if I don’t meet that then she gets heavy with the criticism. I told her I didn’t appreciate her tone and that what she way saying to me was rude and hurtful. I told her I didn’t want to speak about it anymore but she kept on. The boundaries in this relationship are all over the place. But also we haven’t really establish any.
Mothering yourself is a beautiful and necessary part of the healing.
Step Seven: Get professional help!
Again it’s about being really honest about how you feel about yourself, what you experienced and what you want to release. I tend to often suppress my emotions, I don’t often ask for help because my past experience with my Mother. Usually I just didn’t get the help I needed and so I stopped asking. I now have many people I can ask help from. From local authority social services and people within my “spiritual” community. It’s not been easy for me, so please trust me when I say, one day at a time.
You deserve healing, you deserve to feel whole.
You will find it where you seek it, and just be open to receive. I am standing with you in love, cheering you on. Healing this wound is profoundly life changing. You got this!
If you feel working with a professional will help you work through these wounds. Get in touch and let’s connect. A big part of my work is helping women feel more empowered in their lives.
Sending you so much love
